40K and its Ok

fav.me/d9zhkdp

Ayy 

Thanks all.

Update as to creativity, I have quite a bit of visions, not sure if I will make them manifest tho.

Photography has taken a real backseat, I went to the park, and was at first sad I didn't have it with me, but looking back toward the end of the journey, I was glad I wasn't lugging that heavy ass thing around. Zoe and I had a good time, and she wasn't having to dodge me taking pics of her. lol

Took some pics of a my falling down barn and its contents I am cleaning out of it, and who knows, I might upload some of those, tho they are more journalistic.

Took some landscape photos as well, my friend, one of my best friends during the high school years and after, he passed at 40 and instead of going to the viewing, I went to the hill just above the funeral home, I climbed up there, and had a moment of peace, though I physically exhausted myself getting up there, and was shaking so bad and a mess that I didn't attend the showing.

RIP Patrick Galloway.

Yesterday my dog died, I might have considered him my best friend, Gizmo, he was a great pal of mine, which I grew closer to over the years. He was a Chihuahua kind of mix.

I had also lost my other dog Brodie earlier this year in January, was perhaps the best dog I ever had. Daschunds are known good pets, and I understand why now.

Been thinking of re-doing some videos, I think I want to get adobe after effects, as it has a special video stabilization feature to which puts a black screen around the video and can center whatever item you highlight. I don't think Vegas has that.
I could re-edit my favorites from the past that weren't steady, and perhaps even remix audio.

Zoe was trying to talk me into getting back into drawing, which I just might. not sure whether to work on my tablet skills or just get back to pencil drawing. Quite a few things I see that I might want to draw, but not sure that I can handle the learning curve or the time it will take to get to that point.

been also getting some ideas about remixing some songs.. I always had visions of changing pitch and speed of some songs over the years and my soundcloud has seen some of those, and I have pretty decent stats over there, which is surprising.
I know the name says DJ bass ackwards, but I don't consider myself a DJ, that is more of sarcasm. The name in itself comes from one of my grandpas old sayings in that he would pronounce ass backwards as bass ackwards.
When I was making mixes for dance parties and trying to share with other djs for collaboration ideas that is how my soundcloud was born. Though I toyed with the idea, I haven't really ever taken any of that seriously.
But that doesn't mean I wont put things up there I want to hear.
I was messing around with ableton for a while, but oh the money and learning curve to get started...

Been dying to pick up musical instruments but just haven't had the drive once I do, and also I don't have an amp for my electrics, nor is my acoustic in working order really. It has had some neck problems.

Health wise, been about 2 month since a gout attack, and still just not doing too well at all despite that. Very low energy, but man I distrust doctors, though I need one bad. Need to sort out medical card and its just been tough to get there as family shares one car, and eh...soon though...especially with my friend dying of a heart attack man, I got to take my shit more seriously if I want to be around to see my daughter get older.
Been looking at roller blades. Haven't bladed in a good while but they are so fun and not so hard on the knees. Harder to find size 21.5 double wide though. lol Used seems to be in my price range, any ideas or advice?

So much to do. A bit overwhelmed.

Sorry for rambling on here, but I don't journal much, nor even write. 
Matter of fact, I kind of cringe at most of my past work.
I have changed my mind a bout quite a bit as of the last few years, and I just....tend to want to rely on logic and reason more...is all that I can say.

I most likely wont change my old works, for they are footprints, but..... I am just not too happy with it.

I have some perceptual issues, always have. It is one of those blessing and a cruse kinds of things in that I can be very innovative, or creative, but I have no real grounding and I have a natural opposition to established order. Like I might know what is right, but do something completely different. In the same way, when I observe something, I most likely am observing exactly the opposite of that which is there, which is wrong. I just can't get over how wrong I have been in life as a whole. That which is just glaring obvious, I miss. I just don't get the simplest of things, while at the same time I can easily grasp some of the most abstract things at times.
I often am very passionate about the wrongest of things and it drives me nuts.
So now in the moment I know this and I just observe myself, while at the same time just muting myself. I try to not take sides or have opinions, or at the very least I try to not express them.  I have always been dyslexic, but like most people that suffer from it, their brain learns to correct it so that one can be productive, but problem is, is that it doesn't always work, I guess is a way that I might say that.

I am most likely to be pissed about the stupidest of things, and miss the best of things, right in front of me.

Its like i might try to help, but I go about it all the wrong way, or try to help the wrong aspect, or say precisely the worst thing, though that can't be measured ofc, but I am a ruiner, one way or the other.
But I can't say this as the soul focus, I do, and have done a lot of good, but that is kind of like a incidental, it wasn't because of my effort, if that makes sense.

These weird anti social tendencies... most my friends I haven't seen in ages, and these friends were friends, which felt sorry for me or we wouldn't have been friends. There have been exceptions, but it seems like if people honestly like me, I don't want anything to do with them, and that is so fucked up man.

So I just keep people at a distance. I see myself as the problem. Moreso now than ever. Much of my art had been to try to bridge that gap. The intense neediness is repelling.
If you look though my past work, you might see this pattern.

I studied a psuedo science, the Myers briggs test, and found myself to be an INFP, it kind of helped me see these tendencies and accept and deal with them a bit. But I am 38 now, I have lived a while, and now I kind of have trouble dealing with seeing how most of my reactions, judgements, and actions have been because of ignorance, and man I don't even know.

There is still a great beauty to it all, so I just try to find that, instead of getting lost in the lack.

So, not sure of the direction these days. But, getting there nonetheless.

Still working around the home trying to help my family live better, and putting love in that food.

Who knows what is next.

Much love,
Chris